As a child, I was very sexually repressed by my mother, who spent the entirety of my childhood being generally evil. She never did anything to me in such a way, but she was still horribly mentally, emotionally and physically abusive.
Whenever even the slightest bit of romance would come on the television (like Aladdin and Jasmine kissing for the first time). She’d spout out something like;
“Cover your eyes.”
“I better not catch you - .”
“Don’t you dare bring a fucking nigger into this house.”
It was all hate and religious ramblings of a lunatic. I think this explains my fascination with cougars and straight shota porn. I rather do enjoy the idea of unrestrained love and bonding and appreciation of older women and young men, especially teens. I rarely am attracted to the porn in such a way, but i do view it with a cautious eye. Never getting pleasure, more so envy. I am seeking out a mother I never had in a confused adult context.
I never cared for the common, in fact the universal, form of it. I never saw the holding, the softness, the love and affection. But then again I guess
This is all very complex and a really misshapen lot of emotions. I am alone, mostly because I never had the nerve to submit to the torture of answering questions. I could imagine it now.
I’m not necessarily bent on older women. I am bisexual. I have no racial or other such preference, but the majority of the girls who liked me were black, as my old hometown schools were mostly black. And even then, she would bellow out.
“Is she a nigger?!’
“Did you do what I think you did?!”
" Why did you just lie to me?!"
" You aren’t my son!"
" My son wouldn’t be near any damned ape/greaser/whore/white trash!”
I just couldn’t stand the glares, the staring, the spitting of acid and the possibility of exposing someone else to that hate. I think that’s why I’m alone, why I can’t flirt, why I’m still afraid to try and to pursue anyone or to accept a relationship.
If hate is the antithesis of love, then solitude is its cousin and confusion is its friend.
And now I’m wondering how to get over it all. What actual self help exercises can I use? What can I do to normalize myself? What can fix, or at least paint over, the damage done?